My Lazy Goddess (Part 2)
by Ing Venning
I spent a week in a psychiatric facility getting on new medicines and trying to stabilize. They should have kept me longer, but they simply didn’t have the time or the resources given how busy they were and how little comparative funding and personnel they had for patients undergoing psychological trauma.
I went home to recover. I was still terrified all the time, but I knew I had no choice but to face my fears and try if they would destroy me or not. I wanted to kill myself from both fear and from the depression of thinking it would never get better time and time again. I still want to die in the face of the panic and the pain at times, but not so much as before. I’m looking forward to the first week of not thinking about killing myself or dying from fear. Perhaps after that, I’ll experience the first month of such feelings, but that milestone still seems a long, long way away.
Sleep became my enemy during this period - before, during, and after my hospital experience. My terror was bad enough, but no one faces fear well when they’re exhausted. After several weeks of fighting to get to sleep, waking up panicking, and then struggling for hours to get back to sleep - only to have my alarm wake me just before or just after I regained my slumber - I recognized that I needed to consult my spirit guides for help.
I started by talking with my regular guides, but many were too intense or too energetic. I needed someone more laid back, though working with such energy had never been usual or even very comfortable for me. My regular contacts were often guides that frightened others, while many of the go-to gods had seemed distant from my particular energy.
The most relaxed guide I’d conferred with in the past was manta ray spirit, whose energy had proved useful in conducting group meditations and lessons - something I had done, though infrequently, at community events or for small groups of friends and family over the years. Manta’s spirit was useful for blending energies and keeping things low-key enough that my normal intensity and meticulousness didn’t bleed through to ruin those experiences.
Manta suggested I might find help by looking to the Greek pantheon, so I decided to give it a try. But which god or goddess, hero or heroine, could I consult?
I first considered Morpheus, mainly because I’d worked with him before. But his dominion is dreams, and, despite one or two depressing or mildly frightening visions, dreams weren’t my problem.
I next considered Hypnos. This seemed a wise choice at first, but not so much upon consideration. After all, my body knows when it needs to sleep; it was my mind that couldn’t shut down. If I asked Hypnos for aid, I realized, I might end up getting too much sleep or feeling exhausted and in need of rest during the day.
After performing some research, I stumbled across mention of Hypnos’ consort, Pasithea, a goddess I had never heard of before. She holds sway over the qualities of relaxation and rest. I knew almost immediately that I’d found my new guide.
Having worked with Pasithea for several months now, and having realized that she is, truly, one of my core guides, I must say I never expected this kind of relationship.
A typical conversation with Pasithea?
ME: I don’t know what to do.
PASITHEA: What do you want to do?
ME: Well, I need to do so many things. I have laundry to fold, and a short story to write, and I have to finish that paperwork about my disability settlement - it’s due in only a few weeks - and--
PASITHEA: Eh. None of that stuff is imminent. What’s the first thing that comes into your head?
ME: Honestly, I wish I could just relax, but I have to--
PASITHEA: So relax.
ME: Yeah, but--
PASITHEA: Just chill. It’s fine. You know you tend to get stuff done, too well and too early, most of the time. Stop thinking so much.
ME: Yeah, but there’s so much to worry about.
PASITHEA: Why worry? Don’t you already have things worked out? Will worrying get them done any better?
ME: No, but I still worry about--
PASITHEA: Why worry, love? Just chill.
It’s not an insult when I say: Pasithea is kind of… well, lazy. And that’s what I need. I need someone to help cool the fire that’s always burning under my ass, someone to remind me that I can’t control everything and I need to let myself (and others) off the hook. No, she isn’t a good match for those people who always fly by the seat of their pants and never worry, but she’s an excellent fit for those of us who are Type A, fix-it-now, always-on-top-of-things people. We need energy like hers to get by.
Under Pasithea’s influence, water and earth finally began to flow within my personality. Air will likely always be my dominant element, but now I feel that air (and the fire that often attends it) is balanced with other influences. I am finally moving toward the achievement of spirit.
And now? In the last few weeks I’ve felt more energetic than ever, and more optimistic. Despite a few emotional storms - which I’m always going to have, and which I hope I can learn to accept - I’ve been happier in the last month or so than I think I’ve ever been before. And I feel that way in spite of many difficulties looming ahead of me. I’m unsure of my housing situation, my finances, my connections to family and friends. And, yes, I worry about those things - in proportion. But I don’t overthink them like I used to.
I didn’t need to worry constantly to renew my fire; I needed to rest and stop holding myself to such a ridiculously high standard. Now I am more determined than ever - to publish my books, to reach out to friends and family, to find a place in my community where I can make a difference for good. I still fight every day with despair and terror and anger - and the worthlessness that is my parents’ only lasting legacy to me. And I will, on occasion, give up; it’s the only way to keep from giving up! Now, thanks to the help of my lazy goddess, I feel I’m ready to take on the world.
So watch out, motherf-----s: Here I come.